Unapologetic Look A

As I begin to write about myself publicly, I realize something I’m sure many of you have already concluded: I simply must do so unapologetically.

Somehow I feel the need to mentally prepare myself for the exposure to friends, family, and mid-level acquaintances this may bring… up to this point I have revealed so precious little about my inner self to most anyone I know.

Thus I am coming to terms with the fact that primarily I must see myself in this unapologetic light, and be courageous about it.  Here I must give my full assent to the truth that am not a person I need to keep hidden.

There is no purpose for me in writing as a persona. So it is that by writing I affirm my guts and wimpiness, internal conflicts, small victories, simple joys and complex issues, visions, blind spots, insights and ignorances, immaturities, failures, flaws, flexings and fixtures all as real and valid parts of myself.

Through writing here I become in my own view a more fully-fledged human being, with no need for apology. Amazing – something worth a good ponder.

This is my first revelation, shared – my Unapologetic Look A.

Weakness

I’m discovered. But my weaknesses are not something to hide anyway. I can glory in them, even. When I don’t know what to do, when I’ve been inconsiderate, when I’ve been hurt, these are times when I need strength beyond myself, and these are times when I am at my best, for they are when I know my need most clearly, and know my help most assuredly. The God who calls me his friend is my strength. He gives me what I need, and I need not be proud to receive it, only humble, true to my state. The peace in uncertainty will be my comfort, the steps to take will present themselves, the hurt will take on color and be validated to me – all in my weakness, all in the midst of my restlessness. My vulnerability becomes the barren field that will bring forth release, life, growth and strength. It only needs humility, patience, compassion and love. These are the seeds from which strength is born of weakness.

So yes, I can glory in my weaknesses. As upside down as that may be, it is the path to joy and beauty. It itself is strength.

A Word to A Weakness

What exactly is a weakness? Do they even really exist? How do weaknesses affect us in our lives and in living fully? What kind of attention is best to give weaknesses? How much is a good amount? Should we embrace weaknesses as just a part of our make up, or should we try to get rid of them? Is it really even possible to do anything about them?

These questions start hitting me whenever parts of myself that are really hard for me to accept get pricked. I get to feeling really embarrassed, ashamed, or self-conscious about something and I don’t know why. I feel weak inside and scared, so I start asking questions about weaknesses. I haven’t ever found answers that just fix everything, but over the course of time and with help, I’ve learned some really helpful things both about weaknesses in general and, more deeply, about myself in those vulnerable places. The work I’ve been doing has led to some great healing for me, and so I want to share some of it with you.

Wherever something that can be called a weakness is present, I’ve learned that there is a good reason for it. Something in us is clinging to it. I don’t think that means that weaknesses are good for us though – they’re just serving or trying to serve a need we have. Because they are helping us in some way, weaknesses are worthy of direct acknowledgment and our respect. Because they are also hurting us, weaknesses need our compassionate attention, and positive support towards change. It’s been my experience that weaknesses are not impossible to overcome. It’s just that dealing with them takes a special kind of work. The parts of a person that suffer from weaknesses can be healed and become stronger over time with love and purposeful attention. If that work is done, the results lead to a deepened inner peace and a richer sense of self. Here’s how I’ve come to deal with a specific area suffering from weakness in myself lately and the healing I’ve found in the process.

For my whole life I’ve struggled with a common but really harmful weakness – a desire to give people what I think they want. Often it’s held me back in many hurtful ways without my even knowing it. And when I could see it, I didn’t know what to do about it.

I came face to face with that weakness again recently while struggling with a task I was having a hard time executing. When I recognized the reason for the struggle, I began to follow where my heart led in order to help myself with it. I began to hold the weakness with respect because I knew it was there for a reason and to allow myself to become more aware of its meaningful reality in me. With compassion, the hurt I’d been feeling in that part of me, living under the burden of thinking I must give people what they want or else have no real value, came to the surface. I could feel how terribly trapped that thinking and belief had made me, and I knew deeply how it could hold me hostage.

I also knew I could set that part of me free, and I could sense a deep desire for freedom there. So I began to say to myself the truths I knew I needed to hear: You, weakened part of me, are of value to me, no matter what. Though you may feel you need to please others to matter, you matter to ME, regardless of what you do. You matter because you are you – this is a higher, better value than anyone else’s approval can offer you. You are a part of a living, breathing person, a part of a unique spirit, deeply connected. That status is permanent and stands alone, independent of any other conditions. You’re valuable, without question.

As this truth has been verbalized within me, it has been settling in over time, wherever it is most needed. Relief has been washing over me in those places and taking root. I’ve been feeling less of a desire there to fight for personal value at the whim of others’ approval. Instead, I have begun to feel inside that part of me a sense of inherent value, simply as a part of the whole.

In the newness of this shift, the question has come up, “But what do I contribute to you?” Yourself is the answer that comes. Without you, something is missing. You makes us complete, more whole. You will always belong here, validated and valuable because you are part of us. And we will support you in growing to believe this. The temptation will always be there to seek value in the approval of others, but with awareness and with encouragement over time, you will become more convinced of your firm validity in us, and eventually you will find freedom and strength to act in ways that support us as a whole. In this way you will affirm the truth that with you we are made freer and stronger. Together we’ll be able to live in truer expression of who we are as a unified, unique person. In this you will find that you are indeed included and valuable.

I often become aware of my weaknesses and internal pains right alongside discovering my strengths and embracing my joys. I think each one plays an important role in my growth. When weaknesses emerge or I find myself feeling those yucky feelings of embarrassment, shame, or self-consciousness now, it feels so good to actually be able to accept them and to use compassionate inner attention, internal conversation, and positive support to help myself heal from them. Every time I work through this process, I know more of my rough edges are smoothed and validated and included. And, I know I am growing stronger in the shape of the person I am made to be.

Writ of Passage

I’m beginning this blog because I’ve been writing my whole adult life, and my love for it – and benefit from it – just keeps growing. Mostly, I use written words to explore my inner world, to contemplate the outer world, and to converse with myself and God deeply and personally. The importance of fitting my thoughts and feelings into words, as well as using words to flesh thoughts and feelings out, makes writing a near must for me.

Putting pen to paper has been an instrument of healing to me, so much so that I may as well have received a divine Physician’s order to write. With it, I’ve kept myself alive during the darkest of times, recording events in my life as a sort of written evidence of my existence amidst all manner of flights of fancy, deadly emptiness, sickening pain, and crippling anxiety. Through writing I’ve been able to face my personal experiences of traumatic events, walk myself through their aftermath, and process reconnecting to myself, to God, and to the world.  Through writing, I’ve worked my way out of self-destroying fear, anger, and depression, and I’ve learned how to live again and to live much better.

Words on paper help me visualize who I want to be, honor where I’ve been, and recognize who I am right now. Writing helps me stay present, as well as plan, organize, sort, express, release, explore, and rehearse; with writing I build relationships, acknowledge defeats, process griefs, accept unknowns, hold my own hand, and help myself change my mind and grow.

Without writing, I could not hope to understand nor be mindful of myself and my world at the level necessary for me. Left so unsatisfied, I would largely be lost to myself and to the world.

An existence without writing would be for me a tragedy. And so, for the life and light and joy in me, I write.

A Writer’s Faith

Written words, in endless stream — why would my particular stringings together matter to you? I do not know. But Faith is enough to write a few lines regardless.

I confess that I have faith that there is a value in my story. Why believe this? Because so many others, perhaps you, have strung together words to express yourselves, and this has been of immense value to me. How have I known I’m human but that I’ve seen my humanity naked in the words of others? And then beyond that, how can I know what it means to be human except by more of the same, echoing familiar songs in my soul?

And so, while I cannot see what I hope for, I am sure and certain of it enough to take these steps.

This is going to be awkward at first. In fact I want to apologize for my awkwardness already! I have shared my personal writing publicly only once – in an autobiographical essay. That was a painful, rich experience. It was actually quite angering at the beginning, though as I went along I was increasingly compelled to continue; I had started to see that with this writing I would actually be able to just tell it like it was out loud, and not give a damn what others thought about it. The unburdening and truthfulness of the experience was revelatory for me, but at the time I was not certain what to make of it and did not go further with writing publicly.

Now, somewhere around three years later, having continued writing only in my daily journaling, I find myself in a new place in life and increasingly eager to share my stories and thoughts out loud. And so I begin with this post, noting finally here the words I have heard spoken in many ways before, that the telling of our own stories is something which very singularly satisfies, bringing light to the life inside each of us. My hope and prayer is that this experience will reap bountiful rewards of that very nature. I have Faith that it will.